In the past week I have had more things worth blogging about take place than any other so far, which is a fucking bonus because this shit is intense, man! All of my post so far have kind of just been directionless rants... so it was nice to do some things that I can actually talk about and people may take at least some kind of passing entertainment in reading them.
I saw The Avengers twice, which was FUCKING INSANE. Admittedly, the whole movie is basically The Hulk, Ironman and Friends, but those are the best characters anyway, so who gives a shit? If you're going to make a movie about a group of badass super heroes, I think it is the right decision to focus said movie around the giant green psychopath who likes to smash things and the quick witted billionaire in the flying metal death suit, over the Russian woman, whose only discernable power is having extremely questionable morals, or the guy with 20/20 vision for a super power. It’s all about excitement value, and these two characters bring it the fuck home.
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| Best. Gang. Ever. |
Drunk Kyo also made an appearance this week, making the sensational decision to take the piss out of a friend because her new boyfriend was... wait for it... Tall. Tall? That’s the best you've got? As far as insults go, that’s a bit of a stretch. In almost every situation, in fact, being tall is seen as a fucking advantage for god sake. Turns out drunk Kyo may be lacking creativity just a little bit. I think the worst part is that the friend I'm referring to is someone I've only hung out with twice in a non-work environment, and both times Drunk Kyo has turned up and crazied shit up good and proper. The first time he took off his god damn pants in the middle of a game of beer pong, so i suppose this is progress at least? You can't just lay into casual acquaintances, is my main issue here. Close friends? Sure, tear them to shreds with your wit and vast arsenal of insulting terms and obscure references to pathetic 80's TV characters. People you hardly know? Leave them the fuck alone. You don't have the relationship base to ensure the friendship will continue following your tirade. Get it together, Drunk Kyo.
So the most exciting parts of my week were a movie about super heroes and my inappropriate drunk alter ego making an appearance... What of it? Those weren't really what I wanted to blog about today anyway, so settle the fuck down.
In addition to the aforementioned amazingness of this week, I had perhaps the most frustrating customer experiences I have ever had. Actually, that's a blatant lie. But they were enough to piss me off, and send me into the Herculean keyboard rage you are currently viewing.
I had thought about making this blog from the get go, because in all honesty, almost all customers piss me off, and being the retail drone that I am, I have plenty of sweet experiences to regale you with (and by "you", I am obviously referring to the 3 people who actually read this... and one of them is my mum... and she only reads it because I make her...). I had been resisting it though, because I sort of feel like stories about how bad work is, or how shit customers are, has been totally overdone, and I didn’t want it to seem like I was ranting about things people have already ranted about, just for a laugh.
That was, until this week. This week was just loaded with the kind of mentally retarded customers that typify the living hell that is retail. So much happened to piss me off, I had trouble focusing the rage into a coherent blog, so I've decided to list the 5 things that piss me off the most, because everyone cares what pisses me off, right? Right?
1. "Do you know where I could get **insert item we don't sell here**?" That has to be the stupidest question anyone can possibly ask another human being. You have come into my store, let’s call it "Nipple Rings Are Us". We sell nipple rings. It's in the fucking name, so you should have a fairly good idea of what you are getting yourself into prior to entering the store. However, every single god damned day some jackass comes in and say's "Where Are Your Earrings?". Being the polite king of customer service that I am, I kindly inform them in turn that we do not sell earrings (despite their obvious stupidity), only to have that fucking question asked yet again. "Oh, really? Where would I get those then?" You're in a store called NIPPLE RINGS ARE US. We sell fucking nipple rings, that is our product. You were the dumbass who came into the nipple ring store looking for earrings, and now you're asking the guy who only sells nipple rings where you can get earrings? You are the one with the interest in fucking earrings, OK? I don't give two fucks about them, I have no prior interest. What in god’s name gave you the idea that I know every body piercing retailer in the area, and have an understanding of their product range? ALSO, do not act like I'm being an asshole when I tell you I don't know where you would get the earrings. It isn't my job to know that. I sell NIPPLE RINGS, ask me about that shit and maybe I can be more help.
2. Troll customers just fucking shit up. This isn't your parent’s house, OK? If you take out every nipple ring I have in stock, and just throw that shit all over the show I have to clean it the fuck up. You were a normal human being, aware of how your actions impact others prior to entering the store (I assume), so what is it about being a customer that makes you completely forget how to coexist with others? The basic rule of thumb here is that if the shit you are messing up wouldn't clean itself if it were at your house, it won’t clean itself here, so exercise some fucking consideration and put the nipple rings back in their cabinet when you are done!
3. Being treated like I'm an asshole for offering customer service. So you have come into my nipple ring shop, right? You've made the conscious decision to enter my store, and look at my wares. I come over, because I know this shit. Nipple rings are my business, so I figure I can offer some help. "Can I help you?" I ask,
"Fucking No, OK? I don't want to buy your nipple rings, so go stand in the corner and play with leaking batteries."
Come on, man. I'm just trying to help, because 9 times out of 10 I have a better understanding of the product than the people who come into the store. It's my job to offer assistance. You could have just gone with "Just looking, thanks" or even "I'm fine.", but did you really have to look at me like I have AIDS and verbally fend me off so as not to catch my monkey STI?
4. You are not a lawyer. Having watched a couple of episodes of Fair Go or Target doesn't make you a qualified law professional. Also, it is generally easier for my working life to help you with your problem rather than trying to fob you off and deal with you ten thousand times. If you buy something from me, and it fucks up, let’s say the ring made your nipple disgusting and infected, I will do everything in my power to solve the problem for you, because that is your legal right. You're legal right is not, however, to make terrorist style demands hoping that I'll give you my fucking Kidney because it is my fault, personally, that you now have an infected nipple. I have processes to follow. Quoting the name of an Act you heard on the television machine is not going to strike fear into my heart and force me to oblige your every request. Go to hell.
5. We close at 6. Not 6.15. Not 6.30. If you have something to do, and you've done it every god damned week for the past three months, and you know if takes 45 minutes to complete your tedious task, do not come in at 5.45 and expect me and my fully sick boys to wait around until you're done. we have lives outside of Nipple Rings Are Us. We don't want to be here all night. SORT YOUR SHIT OUT. Also, it is always older people who do this. You are the people with the most free time in your day. We both know you havn't been at work, so what were you doing that held you up this late and now has you impacting my day? Get it the fuck together.
Ugh, so that’s my retail rant. Sorry this one was a bit long, but hopefully reading this prevented you from going into a local retail store and pissing someone off for any amount of time. I like to think of it as a service to society.
Stay Classy,
Kyo
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