Why We Suck at Being Top of The Food Chain

So I'm sitting here in the lounge of my flat, and it occurs to me just how reliant we have all become on modern technology (except you, Bear Grylls, you get a pass mark at being badass).

I've got the sweet Plasma going in front of me, jamming some Sweet Sixteen like a boss (coincidentally, that cesspit of entertainment very nearly became the subject of this rant, but another day perhaps). My cell phone is chilling next to me, the stereo is pumping sound from the TV into my ears, and obviously I'm typing furiously on my laptop, trying to bring entertainment to your faces. I need all of this shit, man. Take any one of the things I just mentioned away from me and shit gets REAL. TV breaks for a week, I'm lost. I'm like some smelly homeless man wandering the house with a blank expression on my face. Should I shower? I don't know, I always do that after watching TV... But I can't watch TV right now... Maybe get something to eat? But then what do I stare at while eating? The cat? He probably won’t like that. We're fucked if any of this shit goes down.

In times long ago, if you were cold, you skinned a fucking mammoth for its pelt and started a fire out of sticks and human sweat. That’s how shit's meant to be. Nowadays shit gets a bit cold and I have to rip out the old oil heater, plug that bitch into the wall and let electricity do its thing. We're basically living life with cheat codes. It's just like Vice City. It's no fun doing things the right way, so mash 30 buttons or so and live like a badass. Never having to try at anything is pretty awesome, don't get me wrong, but what the actual fuck are we all going to do if shit gets real? You'd better hope Bear Grylls is your neighbour, coz he'll be the only one eating for the rest of his life.

Want food, Caveman? No problem. Just head in to those bushes over there, stab a fucking bear in the throat, and drag it's furry ass back to camp. Job Done. Oh wait, you're hungry too Kyo? Better get in your petrol fuelled automobile and drive your "starving" ass up to McDonalds. God damn it we suck. I don't have an issue with life being this easy. I'm probably the laziest person I know to start with, so had some Bruce Banner-esque bastard not invented the microwave (But, sadly, not hulk out), I would probably have died of starvation long ago. But this could be a serious problem, man.

What happens when the aliens roll up Mars Attacks style and shut our shit down? I'll have to go underground with all the other resistance soldiers/people who hid under tables while the brave (yet ultimately stupid) assholes got phasered. Can you start a fire with sticks and shit? Because I can't. I suppose we can just eat berries if there’s no fire on the go though. What’s that? some berries are poisonous? Which ones? Oh, you don’t know? God. Damn it.

I suppose we could just construct some kind of farm where we could grow shit we know won’t kill us, like carrots and shit. That way we would probably be ok. You're pretty good with irrigation aren't you? No? I'll be chewing your fucking arm off at this rate. But it'll be raw, seeing as I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING FIRE.

I would like to say we should all do something survival related once a week to prepare for such events. I would LIKE to say that. Problem is, we didn't get this techno-dependant by doing shit we don't have to. Especially shit we have an easier method for already in place. And I'm far, FAR too lazy for any of this. I AM the problem here. So instead, let’s build big ass missiles. If we can't survive a Martian apocalypse because of our own lack of practical skill, contingency plan the fuck out of life and get ready to nuke some shit.

Thanks for reading... on your computer...

Stay Classy,

Kyo

5 Ways to Tell Society is F*cked

Humans have always been a bit off in the head if you ask me. Throughout history we've had so, SO many fucked up situations arise due to our own stupidity that I couldn't run through them here if I wanted to. We've had Romans who liked to wrestle naked (dude on dude style), and had Germans who like blondes WAY too much. Brits who use an entire island in the south pacific as a prison (Shot, Australia, you convict bastards. I kid, Australia. You have way better weather than us and your animals would beat ours in a fight.), and Entire religious groups who preach love and forgiveness, only to maul each other in a sweet medievil battle royal.

Why is it so hard to find a picture of naked dudes wrestling? Check this anal penetration instead.

The thing that gets on my nerves, however, is that despite millions of years of evolution (or magic spells cast by an invisible dude in the sky, take your pick), we still can't get our shit together. Sure we no longer live in caves, and I can't remember the last time I wrestled a dude naked, but really we're just a whole bunch of full blown retards. The things I've chosen to moan about today are not necessarily the 5 most dramatic or important flaws in humanity, but they're the 5 that piss me off the most, on a regular basis.


Dogs Cost More Than Cars

I once lived with a girl who had one of those hideous little asshole Chahuahuas. That yappy little bastard did nothing other than shit everywhere, squeal whenever one of the cats kicked it's ass, and drift around the house on it's overgrown fingernails. Now, that little bastard cost over $1000. You know how many awesome things that don't shit all through my house I can get for that? Fucking HEAPS. On top of that, they're tiny as all hell. You're not even getting value for money with these things! I shit you not, head over to Greece for like an hour and you'll find dogs for free fucking everywhere. Just chilling on the street. Infact, you could use the FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS you saved for part of the plane ticket. That way, you get to see some Greeks and shit as well as own a flea-bag asshole dog. Win-Win right? Also, you'd be doing the Greeks a favour. their economy's fucked anyway, so every dollar counts the way i see it.

This is one multi-millionaire I who will not be checking my prostate.

Celebrities Are Rich as Balls

In what kind of sick world does some asshole like Britney Spears earn more than the guy who cuts out peoples hearts and replaces them with pig bits, so they can live an extra 10 years?! You know what I like? Being alive. And Britney's poppy hits, catchy as they may be, aren't going to do jack when I drink myself into a coma. What the piss do these people do to justify the money they make? Fuck all. I'd rather see developments in prostate cancer detection so some old dude doesn't have to violate me one day than hear Justin Beiber rhyme "Baby" with "Baby" one more time.


People Buy Water by The Bottle

Why? Why the fuck would you spend money on something you can get out of the tap? Does it taste better? No. Does it have better nutritional value? No. Is it secretly Michael Jordan's Special Juice from Space Jam? Fuck No. If you could get petrol for free from a silver cock in your kitchen/bathroom, would you still buy it? I'll answer that for you.... since this is a blog and you can't answer it... Hell no. What's worse is bottled water is more expensive than petrol a lot of the time! People have some fucking explaining to do man. Petrol= combustible liquid which must be fucking MINED from the earth. And that's once the source has been located at great fucking expense. Water literally flows past my house. No shit, there is a fucking river right there with all the water I could ever want. Boil that shit and you're good to go. What. The. Fuck.

Somehow alcohol still seems more appealing...

Alcohol is Legal, Weed = Do Not Pass Go

I love drinking. We all know this. And I'm not a huge fan of taking a ride on the green dragon. It just doesn't interest me in any way. Beer= Happy, loud, pantsless. Ganja= Slow, quiet, boring. Easy choice as far as I'm concerned. But I’m a full on asshole when I'm drunk. I get naked, vomit all over shit, dance like an asshole, and generally become a nuisance to those around me. And I'm one of the better ones, every weekend hundreds of people fuck themselves/others up in a booze fuelled frenzy, ruining lives, risking jobs, and generally wasting good beer. No one fucks anything up on weed. The green machine turns users into sloth-like zombies, content with chilling in front of the TV and eating Doritos. There isn't even any solid evidence to suggest it does and lasting harm to your average consumer, yet that shit will get you locked up Akon style. Or at least on home detention... we are in New Zealand, after all.

People Read This Blog

Let’s be honest team, I don't REALLY have any relevant contribution to offer the human race. After 9 weeks of whinging and moaning, self-promotion and self-denigration, not a single person is better off for reading it all. And for that, I thank you. I like to rant, and ranting is much more fun when people are listening. Unless you own like 100 cats, in which case it's probably better that no one is listening... you're creepy enough at that stage without subjecting the world to your inner monologue. Hopefully, people continue to read because it's mildly entertaining, rather than in hopes of witnessing my slow decline into drunken insanity, but I hope you enjoy either way.

All done!

Stay Classy team, and enjoy the shitstorm that is the human race.

Kyo

I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit

"I've been too old for this shit for 20 God Damn years, Fuck your' YOLO.

I remember in my day clubs and bars had a certain standard to which their patrons had to conform. I realise this makes me sound like some washed up old man (or Danny Glover... Wait, same thing...) but I came to some really unfortunate realisations this weekend which reminded me of how things used to be, and made extremely clear just how fucked society is these days.

Firstly, when I started my illustrious drinking career (or at least my professional career, not that amateur shit between the ages of 15-17), you had to dress with a certain manner of respectability. I vividly remember being turned away from clubs for wearing a T-Shirt on more than one occasion. You had to have a collar or shit just wasn't going your way tonight. Apparently that shit has gone right out the fucking window. You would think with increasing social expectation, and the societal obsession with fame and fortune, people would want to aspire to those standards, and dress accordingly. FUCK NO. Basketball singlet’s fucking everywhere. And not legit, well-fitting ones either. The kind you see on that show The Wire. Like 8 sizes too large, and always some token player like "Wade" or "James".

Appreciate our custom, Bitch.

Do you kids even watch basketball? I fucking doubt it. How about throwing on a nice dress shirt, huh? Maybe look like you can afford a drink or two once the bouncer lets you in.
Apparently the bouncers no longer give a shit. "Oh, you want to come in here? Well you look like a respectable human being, why not.” Fuck off. You can legit get a dress shirt for like $20. Go sort your shit out.

Kids now roll around clubs like its fucking Bondi, too. Look mate, its 3am. The sun hasn't been up for like 10 hours, and won’t be again for another 4, so you could probably get away with not wearing your fucking sun glasses and flat peak cap. It's not even like you're accessorising, mate. Jewellery and shit serve no other purpose but to look good, right? Those things I just mentioned have actual fucking functional reasons for being in existence. That hat? Yeah, usually used to protect your face from that burning death ball in the sky. Or to conceal your identity as you hold up a service station. Either or. Those glasses are basically in the same boat too champ. Tell you what. If you have to keep lowering them so you can see where you're going because it's FUCKING NIGHT TIME, you can just not wear them, and save yourself the hassle.

Lastly, (well actually not lastly, but I'm at serious risk of turning in to Clint Eastwood from Gran Torino with all this generation hate) I don't want to fight. If you're looking at me, and thinking "I bet that guy wants a fight." You're wrong. Every time. There is no situation where Drunk Kyo wants to fight you. Settle the fuck down and go home.

Firstly, what are you, 12? I'm not going to fight someone who may be wearing pull-ups under their baggy ass jeans. Especially 5 people in pull-ups, you pack hunting dick heads. Secondly, I came to town to get drunk, maybe act a little sleazy, remove my pants, and go home happy. With all my teeth. You're 12 year old ass may be able to beat me up, but we don't need to prove that. I'll believe you.

I guess this is the world we live in now. Trends come and go, and as it stands the trend is to look like a gang banger from the Bronx. Hopefully as time goes on shit will come full circle and people will start behaving like contributing members of society, but until then, I suppose I had better invest in a Lebron James singlet in like fucking 4xl and become WAY more familiar with Chingy's back catalogue. Wait... Is he even alive? Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

Stay classy kids, unless you're one of these tools... in which case hook yourself up with some respectability, player. Get that shit on lock, yo. God damn it, I'm so SO white.

Kyo

Drunk Kyo Strikes Again... Because He's An Asshole

"I can totally see where you are coming from, however I must disagree whole heartedly on moral grounds."

Remember this guy from a few weeks back? It's Drunk Kyo! Actually, that is a lie. This is Inappropriately Drunk Kyo. He's quite a bit like Drunk Kyo, except arguably more awesome. I suppose the issue with one person wielding as much awesome as this stud is that old Peter Parker catch-22 about great power being accompanied 90% of the time by great responsibility. That's not a direct quote, so calm down. Also, Peter Parker isn't real.

Once again, this bloke came around over the weekend. As per usual, he showed up just as Normal Kyo was leaving and proceeded to commit what can only be described as utter fuck-wittery non-stop for the next few hours. He didn't really leave any notes as to what happened throughout the night, but from what I understand (and what the photos suggest), the night culminated in him taking his pants off in front of a Gucci store, bathing in the glorious wit that comes with relating the terms "Gooch" and "Gucci".

Clap fucking clap, Inappropriately Drunk Kyo. You are a comedic genius. You know what doesn't garner respect or admiration from your peers? Having a reputation for busting out your junk in public. I may have covered this in that past, but IT DOESN'T HELP ANYONE for you to take your pants off. Not a single fucking person. The sad part is Normal Kyo still finds it kind of hilarious when he finally comes around at 8pm Sunday night and sees the evidence from the night before. Good work team, real winners.
I guess the positive we can take from this is that Drunk Kyo still has enough self-restraint to remain jocked up. As long as no one can actually see what’s going on in there, he still maintains a certain level of respectability (?) Right? RIGHT? Wrong.
The way I see it, it's only a matter of time before this Visual terrorist escalates shit and his Facebook is banned for inappropriate content. Come on man, no one needs to see that. No one ever in the world.

Luckily for the rest of society, Normal Kyo is a fucking genius. Two words: Button Fly. Drunk Kyo doesn't have the motor skills to undo that shit! Surely the mighty button fly will be enough to stop this madness. Only time will tell. Also, I figure the 2.5 people who actually read this thing week in week out are probably getting sick of hearing about this asshole, so I will try and keep him on lock for the next wee while so as to regail you all with far more interesting and less self-indulgent content.

Stay classy,

Kyo

P.S. The infamous photo mentioned above is available on both my Facebook and twitter... If you so desire to see my glorious pants bounty.