I've got the sweet Plasma going in front of me, jamming some Sweet Sixteen like a boss (coincidentally, that cesspit of entertainment very nearly became the subject of this rant, but another day perhaps). My cell phone is chilling next to me, the stereo is pumping sound from the TV into my ears, and obviously I'm typing furiously on my laptop, trying to bring entertainment to your faces. I need all of this shit, man. Take any one of the things I just mentioned away from me and shit gets REAL. TV breaks for a week, I'm lost. I'm like some smelly homeless man wandering the house with a blank expression on my face. Should I shower? I don't know, I always do that after watching TV... But I can't watch TV right now... Maybe get something to eat? But then what do I stare at while eating? The cat? He probably won’t like that. We're fucked if any of this shit goes down.
In times long ago, if you were cold, you skinned a fucking mammoth for its pelt and started a fire out of sticks and human sweat. That’s how shit's meant to be. Nowadays shit gets a bit cold and I have to rip out the old oil heater, plug that bitch into the wall and let electricity do its thing. We're basically living life with cheat codes. It's just like Vice City. It's no fun doing things the right way, so mash 30 buttons or so and live like a badass. Never having to try at anything is pretty awesome, don't get me wrong, but what the actual fuck are we all going to do if shit gets real? You'd better hope Bear Grylls is your neighbour, coz he'll be the only one eating for the rest of his life.
Want food, Caveman? No problem. Just head in to those bushes over there, stab a fucking bear in the throat, and drag it's furry ass back to camp. Job Done. Oh wait, you're hungry too Kyo? Better get in your petrol fuelled automobile and drive your "starving" ass up to McDonalds. God damn it we suck. I don't have an issue with life being this easy. I'm probably the laziest person I know to start with, so had some Bruce Banner-esque bastard not invented the microwave (But, sadly, not hulk out), I would probably have died of starvation long ago. But this could be a serious problem, man.
What happens when the aliens roll up Mars Attacks style and shut our shit down? I'll have to go underground with all the other resistance soldiers/people who hid under tables while the brave (yet ultimately stupid) assholes got phasered. Can you start a fire with sticks and shit? Because I can't. I suppose we can just eat berries if there’s no fire on the go though. What’s that? some berries are poisonous? Which ones? Oh, you don’t know? God. Damn it.
I suppose we could just construct some kind of farm where we could grow shit we know won’t kill us, like carrots and shit. That way we would probably be ok. You're pretty good with irrigation aren't you? No? I'll be chewing your fucking arm off at this rate. But it'll be raw, seeing as I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING FIRE.
I would like to say we should all do something survival related once a week to prepare for such events. I would LIKE to say that. Problem is, we didn't get this techno-dependant by doing shit we don't have to. Especially shit we have an easier method for already in place. And I'm far, FAR too lazy for any of this. I AM the problem here. So instead, let’s build big ass missiles. If we can't survive a Martian apocalypse because of our own lack of practical skill, contingency plan the fuck out of life and get ready to nuke some shit.
Thanks for reading... on your computer...
Stay Classy,
Kyo
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