5 Ways to Tell Society is F*cked

Humans have always been a bit off in the head if you ask me. Throughout history we've had so, SO many fucked up situations arise due to our own stupidity that I couldn't run through them here if I wanted to. We've had Romans who liked to wrestle naked (dude on dude style), and had Germans who like blondes WAY too much. Brits who use an entire island in the south pacific as a prison (Shot, Australia, you convict bastards. I kid, Australia. You have way better weather than us and your animals would beat ours in a fight.), and Entire religious groups who preach love and forgiveness, only to maul each other in a sweet medievil battle royal.

Why is it so hard to find a picture of naked dudes wrestling? Check this anal penetration instead.

The thing that gets on my nerves, however, is that despite millions of years of evolution (or magic spells cast by an invisible dude in the sky, take your pick), we still can't get our shit together. Sure we no longer live in caves, and I can't remember the last time I wrestled a dude naked, but really we're just a whole bunch of full blown retards. The things I've chosen to moan about today are not necessarily the 5 most dramatic or important flaws in humanity, but they're the 5 that piss me off the most, on a regular basis.


Dogs Cost More Than Cars

I once lived with a girl who had one of those hideous little asshole Chahuahuas. That yappy little bastard did nothing other than shit everywhere, squeal whenever one of the cats kicked it's ass, and drift around the house on it's overgrown fingernails. Now, that little bastard cost over $1000. You know how many awesome things that don't shit all through my house I can get for that? Fucking HEAPS. On top of that, they're tiny as all hell. You're not even getting value for money with these things! I shit you not, head over to Greece for like an hour and you'll find dogs for free fucking everywhere. Just chilling on the street. Infact, you could use the FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS you saved for part of the plane ticket. That way, you get to see some Greeks and shit as well as own a flea-bag asshole dog. Win-Win right? Also, you'd be doing the Greeks a favour. their economy's fucked anyway, so every dollar counts the way i see it.

This is one multi-millionaire I who will not be checking my prostate.

Celebrities Are Rich as Balls

In what kind of sick world does some asshole like Britney Spears earn more than the guy who cuts out peoples hearts and replaces them with pig bits, so they can live an extra 10 years?! You know what I like? Being alive. And Britney's poppy hits, catchy as they may be, aren't going to do jack when I drink myself into a coma. What the piss do these people do to justify the money they make? Fuck all. I'd rather see developments in prostate cancer detection so some old dude doesn't have to violate me one day than hear Justin Beiber rhyme "Baby" with "Baby" one more time.


People Buy Water by The Bottle

Why? Why the fuck would you spend money on something you can get out of the tap? Does it taste better? No. Does it have better nutritional value? No. Is it secretly Michael Jordan's Special Juice from Space Jam? Fuck No. If you could get petrol for free from a silver cock in your kitchen/bathroom, would you still buy it? I'll answer that for you.... since this is a blog and you can't answer it... Hell no. What's worse is bottled water is more expensive than petrol a lot of the time! People have some fucking explaining to do man. Petrol= combustible liquid which must be fucking MINED from the earth. And that's once the source has been located at great fucking expense. Water literally flows past my house. No shit, there is a fucking river right there with all the water I could ever want. Boil that shit and you're good to go. What. The. Fuck.

Somehow alcohol still seems more appealing...

Alcohol is Legal, Weed = Do Not Pass Go

I love drinking. We all know this. And I'm not a huge fan of taking a ride on the green dragon. It just doesn't interest me in any way. Beer= Happy, loud, pantsless. Ganja= Slow, quiet, boring. Easy choice as far as I'm concerned. But I’m a full on asshole when I'm drunk. I get naked, vomit all over shit, dance like an asshole, and generally become a nuisance to those around me. And I'm one of the better ones, every weekend hundreds of people fuck themselves/others up in a booze fuelled frenzy, ruining lives, risking jobs, and generally wasting good beer. No one fucks anything up on weed. The green machine turns users into sloth-like zombies, content with chilling in front of the TV and eating Doritos. There isn't even any solid evidence to suggest it does and lasting harm to your average consumer, yet that shit will get you locked up Akon style. Or at least on home detention... we are in New Zealand, after all.

People Read This Blog

Let’s be honest team, I don't REALLY have any relevant contribution to offer the human race. After 9 weeks of whinging and moaning, self-promotion and self-denigration, not a single person is better off for reading it all. And for that, I thank you. I like to rant, and ranting is much more fun when people are listening. Unless you own like 100 cats, in which case it's probably better that no one is listening... you're creepy enough at that stage without subjecting the world to your inner monologue. Hopefully, people continue to read because it's mildly entertaining, rather than in hopes of witnessing my slow decline into drunken insanity, but I hope you enjoy either way.

All done!

Stay Classy team, and enjoy the shitstorm that is the human race.

Kyo