I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit

"I've been too old for this shit for 20 God Damn years, Fuck your' YOLO.

I remember in my day clubs and bars had a certain standard to which their patrons had to conform. I realise this makes me sound like some washed up old man (or Danny Glover... Wait, same thing...) but I came to some really unfortunate realisations this weekend which reminded me of how things used to be, and made extremely clear just how fucked society is these days.

Firstly, when I started my illustrious drinking career (or at least my professional career, not that amateur shit between the ages of 15-17), you had to dress with a certain manner of respectability. I vividly remember being turned away from clubs for wearing a T-Shirt on more than one occasion. You had to have a collar or shit just wasn't going your way tonight. Apparently that shit has gone right out the fucking window. You would think with increasing social expectation, and the societal obsession with fame and fortune, people would want to aspire to those standards, and dress accordingly. FUCK NO. Basketball singlet’s fucking everywhere. And not legit, well-fitting ones either. The kind you see on that show The Wire. Like 8 sizes too large, and always some token player like "Wade" or "James".

Appreciate our custom, Bitch.

Do you kids even watch basketball? I fucking doubt it. How about throwing on a nice dress shirt, huh? Maybe look like you can afford a drink or two once the bouncer lets you in.
Apparently the bouncers no longer give a shit. "Oh, you want to come in here? Well you look like a respectable human being, why not.” Fuck off. You can legit get a dress shirt for like $20. Go sort your shit out.

Kids now roll around clubs like its fucking Bondi, too. Look mate, its 3am. The sun hasn't been up for like 10 hours, and won’t be again for another 4, so you could probably get away with not wearing your fucking sun glasses and flat peak cap. It's not even like you're accessorising, mate. Jewellery and shit serve no other purpose but to look good, right? Those things I just mentioned have actual fucking functional reasons for being in existence. That hat? Yeah, usually used to protect your face from that burning death ball in the sky. Or to conceal your identity as you hold up a service station. Either or. Those glasses are basically in the same boat too champ. Tell you what. If you have to keep lowering them so you can see where you're going because it's FUCKING NIGHT TIME, you can just not wear them, and save yourself the hassle.

Lastly, (well actually not lastly, but I'm at serious risk of turning in to Clint Eastwood from Gran Torino with all this generation hate) I don't want to fight. If you're looking at me, and thinking "I bet that guy wants a fight." You're wrong. Every time. There is no situation where Drunk Kyo wants to fight you. Settle the fuck down and go home.

Firstly, what are you, 12? I'm not going to fight someone who may be wearing pull-ups under their baggy ass jeans. Especially 5 people in pull-ups, you pack hunting dick heads. Secondly, I came to town to get drunk, maybe act a little sleazy, remove my pants, and go home happy. With all my teeth. You're 12 year old ass may be able to beat me up, but we don't need to prove that. I'll believe you.

I guess this is the world we live in now. Trends come and go, and as it stands the trend is to look like a gang banger from the Bronx. Hopefully as time goes on shit will come full circle and people will start behaving like contributing members of society, but until then, I suppose I had better invest in a Lebron James singlet in like fucking 4xl and become WAY more familiar with Chingy's back catalogue. Wait... Is he even alive? Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

Stay classy kids, unless you're one of these tools... in which case hook yourself up with some respectability, player. Get that shit on lock, yo. God damn it, I'm so SO white.

Kyo